Last night, I couldn’t sleep. I had Ella resting on top of my pillow and heard the familiar sound of her breathing. I wanted to grab her, kiss her to death, and make that feeling and sound remain in time. I started to think of what it would feel like without that lump on my pillow, sound in my ear, heartbeat, and even the smell of her breathe. That’s when I started to cry and my pillow became wet.
Shouldn’t I be excited to think that she has made it to her birthday, a day I did not think she would reach? Yes we made this milestone but deep inside, I would love to prove my fears wrong that this will definitely be her last. I am so scared. Sometimes it’s easier to get consumed in other things then for me to think what does the development of scar tissue mean for Ella? So let’s go back to birthdays because that is when I first realized something was wrong with her.
It was Ella’s 3rd birthday and I invited people to her birthday party when I noticed she wasn’t playing like herself.
Did I even celebrate Ella’s 4th birthday? I remember her recovering and I had wrote a post about being excited about meeting someone in my area on a support group. That night quickly turned to tears when I noticed something was wrong and I went to the dog bar and broke down in tears.
I read back and I see the numbers. The size of the syrinx I thought increased from .3 to .5 in a span of 6 months and with surgery. Dr. Brofman sent more images and said he did not see that much of a difference. I don’t know but I do know that scar tissue is not a good thing. I do know that surgery gave me time to figure out medication. I don’t know what her future holds. I don’t know if I can manage my future without her.
Ella was diagnosed with Syringomyelia and taught me more in her short life about how to live life to the fullest, love with all your heart, and learn from each other.