I Only Wanted You

They say memories are golden, well maybe that is true.

I never wanted memories, I only wanted you.

A million times I needed you, a million times I cried.

If love alone could have saved you, you never would have died.

In life I loved you dearly, in death I love you still.

In my heart you hold a place no one could ever fill.

If tears could build a stairway and heartache make a lane,

I'd walk the path to heaven and bring you back again.

Our family chain is broken, and nothing seems the same.

But as God calls us one by one, the chain will link again.

 

Embee Cavaliers: Cavalier King Charles Spaniel breeding dogs, and M...

Did you know that Molly won Best in Show last weekend! Some say breeders are more concerned with winning than health. Well I can tell you Mary Beth done so much for Cavaliers for education and promoting health, she definately is someone who disproves this statement. Way to go Molly for winning Best in Show and thank you Mary Beth for your continued dedication to this beloved breed.



Embee Cavaliers: Cavalier King Charles Spaniel breeding dogs, and M...: "Did you know? Approximately every other month, Cavalier King Charles Spaniel breeding dogs are MRI'd in Southern Ontario, at Matheson Blvd...."

Seeing Ella Smile

I am going through some things I have written in the past but did not post. I think it's important for me to post these things even though they are from the past. So this is what I wrote about how Ella made everything go away. Nothing else mattered in my life but her. I learned from her that the things that others felt were important just were not the same. I am saddened that I do not have her to make the pain go away now, but l close my eyes and think of her smiling down from Heaven.

Seeing Ella smile made nothing else matter. Seeing her face light up made all the wrong go away for an instant. Watching her in complete bliss was all I could focus on and in that moment I tuned everything else out.






I took Ella to see her “boyfriend” Kennedy who is a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel a few months older than her. They have a unique bond and it is apparent when they are together. Someone said I needed to meet Kat, the new girl downstairs. Not only was she fun but she had a picture of a Cavalier on her desk that looked exactly like Ella. Kat was outgoing and fun but she was just as crazy about her dog as I was. I knew I needed to meet her and Ella and I were invited to Kennedy’s birthday party. That was 3 years ago. We became great friends and had a lot of fun nights out and great times together. Kennedy and Ella became closer too. However, fun times were not always going to be in Ella’s cards.



Kat was there when Ella was diagnosed and went through surgery. Ella could not come over and play with Kennedy when she was recovering and I did not feel like leaving her. We grew apart for several reasons. I took her over about 6 or 8 weeks after her surgery and there were several people at Kat’s house. It was a huge party and Ella was excited to see everyone at first. I was careful and noticed her hiding under the table and said it was time for us to go. “No” “Ella’s fine” “Did you see how happy she was” “look at how much she was playing” etc. I knew for Ella’s safety she needed to go home. I cried as I had to carry her up the stairs because she could not move from all the activity.



I could not do the things I used to because any money I had went to Ella. That is all that mattered to me. Once Ella’s neurologist and I felt she was okay to not be restricted, I let Kat keep Ella. She had so much fun but I could not get over some things that were said. I kept thinking of where was she when I had to carry her up the stairs, the nights I spent crying, the days I spent searching for answers. The person it hurt was Ella. For another reason, our friendship changed and I could not talk to her anymore. When she told me that Ella’s neurologist was making all of this up, I could no longer take it. Ella was not sick but just depressed. I tried to be friends and not get into SM etc. but it had become such a part of me.



That was me and not Ella. When I found out Ella’s results from her second MRI, I let Kat know and she felt terrible. What she thought I made up, is very real. I told her that it would make Ella feel better to be around Kennedy so we put our feelings aside for her.



So seeing Ella smile, I tuned out her words “It’s just not fair”. “I can’t believe you paid that much for her” “You should turn her breeder in”. I just simply said it is much more complicated than that. Her breeder did not do this on purpose. I just said, “Look at how happy she is”.



What I do not think is fair (I did not say this to her), is that Ella’s breeder followed the MVD breeding protocol. She is a breeder that is a member of the CKCSC-USA and the ACKCSC and was heartbroken to learn about Ella. I am not sure but she said she is working on trying to get scanning done. I just like to think she is even though I probably know she isn’t. I do know she is not breeding any of that line anymore. She knows about SM. When I got Ella, I looked at the health records and thought I did the best and I am sure so did she at the time. Yes it could have been better and she did not tell me about SM. I will say that even if Ella came from a breeder that had her dogs scanned and everything done possible health test wise, there is still a chance for something to happen.



What is not fair is that two of her friends bought Cavalier King Charles Spaniels in the past 3 years. I did not find the breeders for them but I know that they are not following the MVD breeding protocol, they are not members of either Cavalier Club, I am not sure what health testing was done. All I know is that I heard they were a good price and had cute pictures.

Letter to Ella from Blondie and Lynn

I received this sweet letter from Lynn and her cavalier Blondie (who also has SM). I really wanted to share it with everyone!

Sweet Ella,




I've gotten to know you a little bit through your mommy,

and even though I never met you, you were my best Cavalier

buddy on the forum. I shared your story and your name often with my friends

and enjoyed reading all the stories about you.

Your mom loved you very much, she was on the forum all the time learning and reading

about you and your breed, finding ways to make your life better and more comfortable.

We all learned so much from your story. You lived with this horrible disease called

SM, which my puppy has too.. yet you were so strong and brave and loved going

to the doggie bar and hanging out with your mommy, still enjoying days in the park.

When I read the horrible news on the Cavalier forum about your illness, I checked the forum ten times a day for updates, until I saw the last news that Anne had decided it was time to set you free. I was in the car from upstate NY with my boyfriend, and read him your Mom's message.

In the middle of the message the tears were flowing and I don't think he understood much else of what I said. We stopped the car, and even my boyfriend shed a tear for you coz he

felt how unsettling it was for me. You are a symbol for all cavaliers with SM and I could feel your mommy's worries and pain as if they were mine. Blondie was in the car with us too and I know se must've felt something cause she was very quiet the whole drive home.

I then quietly read all the other messages that were left for you and I can tell you: you must've touched so many hearts and souls. Never before have I seen such sadness and so many messages there. And though I know that for us, this is all so so sad:

I know, for you, sweet Ella, it is not. I know you understand the flow of life and death better than us humans do. And I know that you do not see it as something frightening or horrible.

You are now running at the bridge with Charly and all the other cavaliers that recently passed as well as Anne's family who is waiting for you at the bridge and will love you and hug you while your mommy is still hanging around with us for a little while.

Run free little angel, and keep an eye on my Blondiemonster while you are up there too.

Love

Lynn and Blondie

Loving wings

 Watch "DMB Benaroya Loving Wings 10.24.02" on YouTube 

This song is so special to me. At a time in my life ella came to me. She showed me light and opened my heart. I owe everything to her. She was so special.

"My heart is made of broken bones

My soul a bag of stick and stone

But you along this dusty road

Come my love to take me home

I give to you my everything

Youve given me these loving wings

And angels have all gathered 'round

To hear me sing my love out load

You lightly lifted me away

Above the darkness cold and grey

Worked beneath the mid-day sun

Cool blue water you have come

I give to you my everything

Youve given me these loving wings

And angels have all gathered 'round

To hear me sing my love out loud

So take your place here next to me

Ill take my place next to thee

No matter how far we may roam

It's by your side i make my home"

Dave matthews band

She will always be with me. Its been a very tough year. I gave her all i could and i owe everything to her coming into my life. Although i have no regrets to dedicating this past year to her, being with her, learning about this condition, and fighting for her, i got to a low point. i just couldnt be without her and anything else didnt matter. It was all i thought about and cared about.

My family is amazing and i know ella touched them too. So in the end i had to give her wings to be released from pain but the bond we shared will be with me always. Its hard but i feel her with me and shes telling me she is with me and its ok. She lifted me out of darkness when i met her and even though i feel pain from losing her that i may never get over, she is guiding me back to where i need to be.  I need to let that love open me up to others.

Which leads me to my next post.

My Little Angel

This has been a very difficult time for me, but I think about Ella and her strength. How brave she was and no matter what she always had a wag in her tail, she made people fall in love with her all over the world. I never thought I would survive this moment but I need to live like her. No matter what pain or even being attacked by a dog, she would not change her spirit.




Many of people have had Cavaliers for 30 or so years. Know the breed more than anyone and have gone through this loss, but she made me fall in love. This breed is one that is like no other. I think the biggest compliment is how everyone that met her, then wants one. My mom and step-father who lost their lab and have said they would never get another since they are getting older. My aunt and uncle who lost their Springer Spaniel and also retired and said they would not have another because of traveling between their house in Florida and in Myrtle Beach. They all have said before she passed, that she made them fall in love again.



I know that she gave me something and hopefully others in knowing there is much more to breeding dogs and in the end there is one thing that we all have in common. A love for this breed, each other, and no matter what I am so glad that Ella has brought me to everyone. There are many things that can happen in life. You do what you think is best and pray to God that one day I will be reunited with her again.



I remember the day when I went to meet Ella's breeder. I was so scared that I would not pass her interview You see a lot of great breeders and even people in rescue, don't just want money and send a puppy off. They care too and want to make sure that they will have a home and a life that will be good for them. I was dead set on a girl but I heard that both girls were not being kept.



So I went and saw all the boys playing and there was one that was not as rowdy and she came to me. I had no idea it was the girl, but there was something special about her. She laid in my arms and fell asleep. Her breeder could see the connection. I don't know, but I heard that some breeders can tell when there is a connection. She saw that and I felt it. My heart filled with love. She came to me when I needed her like a gift and I truly believe in my heart there is a reason.



People keep saying you need to get another one to help ease the pain. As much as I long to have her or someone in my bed, I will wait for the right one to come. I will get another Cavalier in my life, and no Cavalier will ever be like her. At the right time, the right breeder, and the right moment, I think God will send another angel to me. For now, I just want to thank everyone who has been touched by her and know that this breed is unlike another and Ella is no exception.